It started with the stupid milk

My whole life, my parents just thought I was a picky eater. Which is very fair, because I am a picky eater. When I started treatment, they asked me if there were any foods that I just couldn't eat. They said I could only choose three. So I choose bananas, cottage cheese, and ranch dressing. They still made me have ranch multiple times even though it makes me sick, but they never made me eat cottage cheese or bananas.

So my meal plan went that with each meal I needed a certain amount of a protein, a dairy, a starch, and a fat. I also had to have a supplement for my first few meals, and if I didn't finish everything on my plate, I had to drink extra supplements. My treatment center used boost protein shakes as supplements. So my first day of treatment, we had a salad. It had tomatoes on it, another food I cannot stand and still do not eat to this day because I have acid reflex and tomatoes really trigger it. I had explained the acid reflex no tomatoes thing before the meal but well... still had to eat them.

So we ate this meal and I feel the need to say: food in treatment sucks! Like you would think if they're trying to get people to eat food they would make it not disgusting you know? I had a lot of issues with my treatment center and that was certainly one of them. Another thing I don't love - milk.

And milk with a gross soggy salad is a no-no. Obviously, I recognize that I have a lot of issues with food, but I have to assume most people would have found that meal less than good. But anyways, being in treatment and having that less than good food really made my eating habits worse.

I always had issues with binging and "over-eating" and occasionally I would restrict. Mostly binging and purging though. But my restricting issues came out full force in treatment. I feel like I went into treatment with a binge eating disorder that had a dash of bulimia but within the first week binging was gone and restricting took its place.

That first meal I managed to finish the salad, but then there was milk. Stupid milk. I don't mind milk. It's not my favorite drink but I'll have it. I was completely full after that meal. Something I wish they taught in treatment is that if you're full, you can stop eating. That's a whole issue I plan on going further into in a different post. But, I just could not drink that milk.

So I had got a boost instead. I think it's a little ridiculous that I had to drink a full protein shake after eating a full meal because I didn't finish a glass of milk. But I'm not a therapist. I will say, that right there immediately changed my attitude about treatment. I think it set me back. Because if I was going to be punished for not finishing half a glass of milk what was the point of finishing any meal?

So yeah, I would say the 360 in what my eating disorder was started with the milk.